I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
