We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
