Do you still have your period?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
