Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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