i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
