Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
