Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
