sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
