God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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