U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
