remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
