Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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