I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
