You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sober January is a disaster.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
