Someone shit on the floor
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
