so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
