This dress was meant to end up on your floor
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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