The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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