Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
