I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
