fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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