Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
