i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
