dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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