You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
