turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
