The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
