how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize