My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
