Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
