so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found puke in my bra..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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