Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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