There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize