If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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