On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
