totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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