Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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