i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My vagina is officially offended.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
