Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
