I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
