some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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