I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
