he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
