Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
