I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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