I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
