i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
