I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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