I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
