... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
