Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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