when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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