I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
