is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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