Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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