i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
