At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
