i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
