The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
