I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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